I’ve been counting the days since I walked out of the high school in which I teach. 111 days since I reached for my things, made sure to grab any papers that needed grading, then headed out of the building with what felt like an imminent attack on life as I knew it.
When I awoke that morning, it had felt like any other Thursday to me. I pushed snooze then rushed to get ready. I then traveled to work in silence. I like to hear myself think in the morning. Walking into the building, giving myself a pep talk as I usually do because teaching high school kids can sometimes feel like the first time I ever set foot on a theater stage. I hurried to make my coffee and look over my lesson. That morning or any of the other mornings, I never really watch the news or read it.
I have to admit blocking out the news was in ways, I thought, to be protection for me from whatever has been happening in the world post-2016 and some pre. I felt like something had caught up to me instantly when the panic-stricken child that I had tried to calm during my last period had approached my classroom. Was it the daily news catching up with me and forcing me to be aware of all that was about to happen, forcing me to be fully aware of all that was around me.
I don’t know what I have been counting, but there have been 111 days since I immediately realized that the normalcy that I hold onto like a baby who has just discovered their grip was not so much within reach anymore. I’m counting the days from, and the days until what, I’m unsure. Counting the days can be both a calming reminder and a trolling alarm clock of the things undone, gone completely.
I was praying for more time this year. Time to do things I felt I couldn’t manage before. One week I am complaining about the normalcy of my busy life taken away, and now I have just been counting the days.
I feel like a crazy woman with all this time on my hands, yet time is what I wanted. I see everyone on social media talking about seizing the day, coming out of this new and improved, or ahead of the game, whatever that may look like for them. If I’m honest with you, I want new, improved, ahead of the game on my goals, but I’ve just been counting.
A few things this past week have catapulted me into living more of each day instead of checking another number off on the calendar. My prayer for you and my prayer for me is that we focus more on the actions in our day instead of counting how many have come and gone.